This is a beautiful conversation I had recently with one of my client. We have been working on her relationship with authenticity.
Read on and observe how she has blossomed within a very short period of coaching. She has learnt to show compassion and to honour herself. She is currently showing up in life, comfortable being authentic in her imperfections.
As a result, she found peace and is having more results in her work. She is also no longer fazed by external circumstances, carrying her own weather with her wherever she goes. She notices that she now demonstrate more kindness to others because she is secured and grounded in her authenticity.
My intention is for you to find the inspiration to seek the same path for yourself.
- What could you relate to in her journey?
- What are the learning points for you?
Comment and share it with me please! 🙂
Happy reading. 🙂
Joy: Thanks for coming today. I could sense a gradual difference every time I see you. For me, it’s gratifying to see you grow in confidence and certainty.
When we first started coaching, you had a lot of doubts about your abilities and whether what you want will come to pass. You were along the line of
‘I’m not sure and I’m terrified so I am not doing it.’
Now you have learnt to trust your instinct and are more accepting of uncertainty.
It is spectacular! How do you feel about what I said, does it relate to your experience?
Client: Yes. I mean, I didn’t think of it in the same words but when you put it like that, yes I think so. I’m able to go with the flow more now whereas in the past I was like, is this okay, is this okay? So yes to the trusting and instinct bit.
Joy: Since the last time we met, what has changed for you?
Client: I started reading that book by Brene Brown that we agreed was to be my homework. It made me think a lot. Then I chanced upon this guy who talks about knowing your why. Have you ever heard about him?
Joy: Simon Sinek
Client: Yes Simon! That was also really good too. I sat down and started thinking about my why, the how and the what. That was a good exercise.
Joy: Could you relate that talk with what we’ve been doing in coaching?
Client: Yeah I remember we were discussing what is my why. We were talking about my mission statement. Then we had this whole question about authenticity that led me to question my why.
It clarified things for me. My mission statement hasn’t changed much but definitely clearer. Like I know why I’m doing what I’m doing now. I know why I’m motivated to do that for people. My next plan is to redesign my website so I’m thinking how am I going to do this?
Like do I find a designer to do it or can I do it on my own, etc. I would like to have more authenticity the next time I have a talk. Or even when I write. That’s where I am right now.
Joy: I sense this excitement in you. In the past, it was more like troubled and confused energy. But now it feels like excitement. It’s amazing to sense your excitement about your plans and how it will come to pass. That’s really good.
Let’s recap what we captured during the last session. The discussion then was whether you were self-sabotaging yourself. So it goes back to what I was saying.
In the past, you had all these doubts and you observed that
you had a need to please others
and by doing so sometimes you don’t feel like you are being authentic.
So it looked as if
you traded authenticity
in favour of
making other people comfortable.
You were starting to question that because you were sensing that you have become less authentic.
You were afraid to be visibly different from others.
Did you do your homework on self sabotage?
Joy: How did that help you?
Client: Yes, all these realisations started coming to me.
Joy: Tell me one realisation that came to you.
Client: It was the realization that
I don’t have to try to be someone I’m not.
I just have to be authentic because that is what’s going to draw people to me. I know that’s what draws me to other people.
It hit me. I was trying so hard and then I don’t know. The moment that it clicked yeah and then it was very easy to drop it.
Joy: It sounds to me that journaling has been a powerful technique for you. It brought to the forefront how you behaving and you realise that there was not serving you. Why do you think it was so easy to drop the behaviour when you have that realization?
Client: I don’t know. I can’t explain it. It was just a realization that made a lot of sense and then I knew that I could drop it.
Joy: So in the past your behavior was on autopilot. When something happened, you reacted like this or like that but it was from the subconscious and you don’t think about it.
Now, it is top of mind. You have the awareness of what’s going on. You have a different mind now because it is conscious to you. And things just automatically shifted?
Joy: Because you are conscious aware now that something is not serving you. That
awareness created choices
for you? As to whether do you want the same behaviour or do you want to change? Being aware made it easier for you to make the right decision? Is it like that?
Client: Yes. I think I was ready for it too. I’m also doing my own healing stuff so it backs it up. I think if I had a lot more baggage, it would be a lot harder to drop.
Joy: Is this a phase where you are letting go of old stuff? So this realization came at a right time?
Joy: So everything seems to be moving in the same direction for you at the moment?
Client: Yes. The most noticeable thing is my mother-in-law’s visiting us right now.
Joy: Tell me more.
Client: A few years ago, I would’ve been stressed. Now it’s not been so bad. Also last night I had this conversation with my husband which, a few years ago, would have been very difficult for me and a source of a lot of bad feelings toward him.
I spoke my mind and he was very angry. But I stood my ground and I didn’t feel bad for speaking my truth. I said what I had to say even if he doesn’t like it. Which is new for me. So I do feel like right now there are a lot of changes happening within me.
Joy: So it feels to me like you’re having this whole inner makeover of who you are, what you stand for, how you choose to behave. It seems to be this big overhaul going on.
Client: Yes I think so. Because I’m definitely not acting the same way. That’s very noticeable change for me.
Joy: When was the last time you experience something similar?
Client: The only time I had such a big change was in the very beginning when I discovered my healing work 3 years ago. I also notice I do more powerful work now for my clients. I’m seeing the results in them faster. Which is really interesting.
Joy: It sounds very exciting.
Client: Mmmm yes it is!
Joy: Have you had a conversation about this before? Have you had a chance to verbalise, reflect and hear yourself express what’s going on inside you?
Client: No. This is the first time.
Joy: How does it feel?
Client: It feels good. I feel like whoa! A lot of changes has been happening in a short time.
Joy: Our last coaching conversation seems to have helped create this series of events, from you reading a book for your homework, journaling, having new thoughts and then observing yourself behaving differently and not being apologetic any more about being honest and authentic.
And the conversation was less than a month ago! Wow! I’m surprised.
Client: Yeah yeah. I think that willingness to be authentic and be vulnerable, as Brene Brown says,
“willing to show up”
struck a chord in me. So
it is not about looking good,
it is about showing up, which is very important. That was my biggest realization.
Joy: So you’re different now. You’re expressing to the world a very different you. Some of the tools that you’ve been using will no longer serve you because that only works for the old you.
So what different tools or resources would you need in order to go forward, in the new expression of yourself, that you’re doing right now? What would you like to talk about today that can serve you where you are going next?
Client: The first thing that I had on my mind is how to
show more what I’m about.
The next time I do a demo session, the way that I present will be different? When I write, it will also change. I think, my concern is how to generate the content.
Joy: So now, you feel different and behave differently compared to the past with relation to situations and people.
What about your relationship with yourself?
Client: I think I’m on good terms with myself.
Joy: In today’s conversation, this is the first time I sense some hesitation in you.
Joy: All these time since you sat down, you’re quite confident about what you are saying, what’s going on and where you are going. But when I asked you, what’s the relationship you have with yourself? That’s the first time I feel a little dip like hesitation. What do you think?
Client: Oh okay. I didn’t really think about it that much. I don’t think it’s bad, I think it’s okay. I am listening to my gut feeling a lot more.
Joy: How helpful would a conversation about your relationship with yourself be, for the work that you want to do? You mentioned about bringing more of the new you to the website, the blog and the workshops and so on. How helpful would that conversation be for you?
Client: Yeah I guess that would be a good thing to talk about.
Joy: So in a one sentence, what is the goal for today’s conversation?
Client: The goal would be to ensure that I remain authentic to myself.
Joy: So today, the goal of the conversation is to ensure that you remain authentic towards yourself.
What would be our benchmark? How would we know that we have achieved that for you? What do you need from the conversation in order to achieve the goal? How do you need to feel?
Client: I need to feel good about the conversation.
Joy: Looking at our goal and looking at our benchmark, how would you like to start?
Client: I guess we start with the question? Am I being authentic towards myself?
Joy: Right now, how authentic do you think, you have been towards yourself? So if you were to scale it from 0-10, how authentic do you think you have been to yourself? 0 being not authentic at all, 10 being very authentic.
Client: Maybe around 6.
Joy: Right now your authenticity scale, in your opinion is about 6? So how do you feel about being on a 6 on the authenticity scale?
Client: It might seem low but I think I can see only up to 8. 8 to 10 is an unknown, unexplored territory.
Joy: One month ago, where were you on the authenticity scale?
Client: Oh okay one month ago before all the realisations, I think I was a 3.
Client: Yeah. I felt like I was not very honest with myself.
Joy: What does a 3 look like? How does it feel? Why is it a 3? What happens at a 3?
Client: At a 3,
there a lot that I’m not willing to look at or admit to.
I feel ashamed about some things. Now I’m okay about the things I don’t like.
Joy: Can you elaborate what do you mean, I’m okay about the things that I don’t like? You referring to yourself or the situations?
Client: Yeah the things that I don’t like about myself.
Joy: Can you give me an example?
Client: For example, stepping out of my comfort zone is very hard. So uncomfortable that I don’t even want to try it. That’s being 3 and not wanting to admit, that was also the struggle.
Now it’s like accepting that everything is okay. I probably can do better but accepting that so long I am willing to show up as I did.
Unpolished and not perfect.
Whereas at 3, I’ve got to be ready and perfect in everything before I can show up. That’s the thing that held me back. Now it’s okay if I’m not completely ready but at least
I will say yes. I will show up.
Joy: That is very powerful. It’s just so beautiful to hear you say that. That’s words being spoken by a warrior. That’s what you’re doing, you shall arrive, doesn’t mean you’re not scared but you will do what needs to be done.
So if that’s what I need to put out there in the world and I’m not perfect? Fine,
I’ll do it anyway.
That’s what I’m hearing you say, you want to do your workshop, do your talks and your healing work.
There’s so much you want to give out but in the past, you hold back because you feel
‘oh I’m not perfect yet.’
Now you give yourself permission to go out there and not being perfect.
You are giving yourself permission to fail,
if that is part of the process and you are okay about it now. That’s very remarkable.
Client: It does sound right.
Joy: I have to say right now you have this certain glow about you. I think it come across to me like the glow of acceptance that says ‘I’ll go out there and do my thing. I will turn up. I will show up.’
Client: Yes I think so.
Joy: What is the biggest impact, biggest difference for you from being on a scale of 3, to being on a scale of 6 on the authenticity scale?
Client: Definitely huge. Connecting with people better. When I’m with a client, I’m really hearing them now. Hearing what their issue is and getting an idea of what to look at, where to go.
With my family, their behaviour when they are saying something doesn’t matter anymore. I’m connecting with what they’re really saying.
Joy: So you are saying in the past you’d take their words and behavior literally? Now you go beyond what they say and how they behave?
Client: Yes. I shifted to going beyond what they’re saying and doing. In the past, I will be triggered. Now it just washes over me. I don’t understand too.
Joy: So what do you think is going on over here? You seem to have this new ability now.
Client: The word I can think of is grounded. I suppose I wouldn’t be able to do that also if I was not well connected to myself. All the buttons will get pushed and I will be triggered.
I am well connected to a good place inside of me,
so now it just washes over. They can do whatever they want but it doesn’t affect how I think or my mood.
Joy: It sounds to me the difference between being at a 3 and a 6, is your new ability not to be affected by others’ speech or behavior. You are able to see beyond what they are telling you or showing you. You are strong and secure enough in yourself, not to get ruffled.
What might have affected you in the past does not affect you now. You consider yourself being very grounded. You are able to tap into this inner wisdom, that keeps you centered, so you don’t move wherever the wind blows. You just let it move past you, but you don’t get swayed by it. That’s something that you were not able to do when you were at a 3. Is it like that?
Client: Yes! Also, one more thing is that people will say things and expect things from me because I’m a wife and a mother. At a 3, I will let them push me around. I would be swayed. At a 6, they don’t push me around so much.
I’m not so externally controlled and I am okay with their perceptions. That is what is important to them but it doesn’t have to be the same for me. I don’t have to let that control me.
Joy: So what I’m hearing is by moving up the authenticity scale for yourself, which suggests
you accepting yourself in your imperfection,
that has also
expanded the space in you to accept other people in their imperfections,
in their perspectives even when it is not in alignment with your perspective. You are able to accept it now and be okay about it.
Joy: So there is a lot of ripple effect going on. Because you move up on the authenticity scale.
Joy: How do you feel about that?
Client: That’s interesting, I didn’t think of that but it’s true. Especially right now with my mother-in-law here, helping us choose a piano for my daughter. So much is going on just for that piano.
My husband is thinking one thing, mother-in-law is thinking of another. My daughter is thinking completely differently. Tensions are high.
But I feel very calm throughout. I don’t necessarily agree with what everyone is saying but I am okay with how things are going.
In fact I was able to handle my conversation with my husband. He ended up being the one who got angry, kicked me out of the bedroom. But I was just like, yeah okay whatever.
And my daughter is like having a melting down almost every evening. She’s all freaked out by the high price of the piano and there’s my mother-in-law. She has a very strong character so she can be a challenge to deal with. But I could find acceptance for everyone. I don’t know what do you call it? Everyone’s perspectives?
Joy: So I’m hearing a lot of acceptance from you about how people are and what they do. Sometimes the waves are high and the waves are rather high recently and you are just riding with it, you don’t resist it.
So there’s no suffering. Because you’re like okay it’s just the way it is. You do not allow other people’s upset to get to you.
Client: Yes, you can’t control anybody. All you can do is give them information so yes, that’s absolutely correct.
And you know what I want is not what he wants and same goes for them, what they want is not going to be what I want. So they also can’t control me,
we can find out how to compromise.
Joy: If our last coaching session on authenticity did not happened, how would you have responded to your present situation with the old you?
Client: If I didn’t have that conversation, and with my mother-in-law here, I would not be feeling so good right now.
Joy: So how would you have felt? What would you have done?
Client: I would have been very angry, frustrated, irritated and stressed out. I will be having backaches and feeling exhausted. I’d be snapping at my daughter and I’d be having all these bad thoughts about my mother-in-law and my husband.
Joy: Wow, that’s a pretty nasty place.
Client: I’d be in a really bad space.
Joy: Totally different place. Sounds like there’d be a lot of negativity in the private thoughts you would have and the way you behave towards others would not be as kindly. There would be not much acceptance and it generates negative feelings in you. So you would have been a very different person.
Client: Yes. That’s not me but that it comes out because I’m so triggered by others.
Joy: You allow what’s going on on the outside and other people to affect you and so your thoughts, feelings, behaviour would have been different.
That stress even shows up physically, with the body reacting to it with aches. There’s the situation, had you not taken this authenticity journey that you’ve been having recently.
Wow that’s very stark contrast to two different scenarios over the same situation.
Client: Yes. I don’t think I would’ve been able to be like this if that conversation had not happened and I did not read that book.
Joy: Okay wow! So we have reflected back on your last one month. How would you like to do to support yourself in this new journey?
Client: I have to make sure that I remind myself and I don’t forget.
Joy: How would you like to remind yourself? What would work in your daily life?
Client: I can try to find like a favourite phrase about vulnerability and put it somewhere where I can see.
Joy: Can I also invite you to take this 7 days’ self compassion challenge, which is in full alignment with your journey right now?
acceptance for yourself,
self-compassion and by extension,
your compassion for other people grew.
So it’s a 7-day challenge designed with space for you to write down your reflection. I think that could also be part of your journey where we can take it another half a step up.
Joy: What else would you like to do? Do you have time out for yourself, to do whatever you feel like doing in that moment?
Client: I don’t consciously schedule anything … I don’t know.
Joy: Would scheduling be helpful?
Client: Yes I need to do writing for my website that would be like my me-time.
Joy: Can I highlight there is a difference between time for yourself and time for work that you do? While you identify deeply with the work that you do, naturally because that’s the work that calls to your heart but ultimately it is still work that you do. Work that you do to reach out to other people.
So can I highlight the distinction between time for yourself and time for your work is different. Even if it’s enjoyable and satisfies you, it is still not time for yourself.
We are talking about
time where you can just sit there with your spirit, free.
Reflect or do whatever that gives you a little bit of enjoyment. That’s different from working.
Client: Hmm… I don’t do so much of that.
Joy: And do you have that distinction on your head?
Client: No. Not very much.
Joy: What if as an experiment, can I invite you to block out one time to do that? See how you feel about it. And then you can decide after that, if you want to continue it. Have that one experience and see how it goes since you have never done this before.
Client: That’s true.
Joy: That should be an interesting experience.
Client: Actually you’re right, I probably do need that.
Joy: So can you look at your existing schedule, when would you like to schedule it?
Client: Maybe at night because it’s when kids are asleep and everything’s done and it’s quiet, usually night-time is good for me.
Joy: So can we fix which night you will block out specifically, that you will not do work, no household chores, no nothing. It’s me-time, a date with yourself.
Client: Okay so like every week would be different.
Joy: So let’s just focus on the first one.
Let’s just fix that date with yourself.
Client: Maybe tomorrow about 9pm.
Joy: Okay so could you lock it in right now? Your date with yourself is tomorrow 9pm? Remember? You told me earlier that
the whole point is to show up?
Client: Ahhh okay.
Joy: Okay that looks exciting. Today, we were talking about how to ensure that you stay authentic towards yourself. The benchmark was that you have to feel good about where the conversation goes. How successful were we in the feel good factor?
Client: Yes! Very good. I do feel good about where it went. So that means that I’m on track.
Joy: Good. We’ve talked about authenticity scale. We have explored what it was like to be on a three.
And now that you are at six, what it’s like to be at six. We also had an in-depth discussion what was the greatest difference and impact for you being at a 3 versus being at a 6.
We explored the activities that you can do to support your journey. Putting up your favourite quote in a place where you can see. Taking up the 7 days’ self-compassion challenge. We also set up your first date with yourself, which is tomorrow at 9pm.
Joy: How do you feel about our conversation?
Client: I feel very good.
Joy: You look excited.
Client: Yes, I do yeah.
Joy: On a scale of 0 to 10, how successful has this conversation been in helping you achieve your goal, which is to make sure you remain authentic towards yourself?
Joy: 10? Wow! 10. So what are the learnings that you have or wisdom that you have gleaned from this conversation for yourself, what was the learning point for you?
Client: It helped me processed what has changed because I did not reflect on it that much. I just kept on going forward, not looking back. I also did not pay so much attention as to
how much was rippling outwards.
So that reflection was quite good. I learned that I travelled farther than I thought.
Joy: Indeed, I think your soul really travelled the last one month.
Client: Yes. I learned that I travelled a long way. And what I’m learning is also having a ripple effect in other areas of my life.
Joy: The relationship that you have with yourself, which we discovered today that you never really thought about it. You were not sure how to describe it but hopefully today, we started that journey for you.
Client: I wonder if I will go that far.
Joy: I can see that you are still processing. But I sense some kind of peace in you.
Client: Yes it’s a good thing. Maybe later I’ll process everything more.
Joy: Take your time. Enjoy the ride. It’s been quite fun for you. Thank you for taking me along with you. I get to travel with you and see where you started, how the journey was and to where you are right now.
I feel very honoured to be a part of this journey you are having. It’s like you are soul traveling and you’re taking me along with you. It’s been a privilege.
Client: Yes, but you’re also helping me along the way too.
Joy: Thank you. Namaste, till our next session.
Thanks for reading.
Remember to comment and share your thoughts. 🙂
P.s. Have you taken Authentic U quiz?
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Here’s to your soul elevation!
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